If you have not watched the show,
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Ten and a half years of blogging, and I hit the most difficult post ever to write. I was eliminated in the show that aired last night, in the worst possible way. Somehow I managed to keep my composure in front of the cameras, but went through buckets of tears after, and for more days than I would like to admit. The feeling of intense sadness came back again as the premiere approached. It got worse after the first two episodes aired last week because I was overwhelmed with positive feedback from friends and from viewers who don’t even know me personally. With each compliment, with each “I just know you did great”, my heart sank a little bit, but I had to go with the flow. I had to give no indication whatsoever that my world was about to collapse. Literally. I had to smile and be cheerful when in fact I felt (and still feel) like hiding away in a cave. A couple of weeks after we came back from London I made a video in which I try to explain what happened. I did not practice, did not take notes with me, just sat in front of the computer, and spoke. So don’t expect a TED talk… 😉 But I hope you have 10 minutes to spare to watch me. Watch me for a final 10 minutes. Please and thank you.
(same video, two different formats, not sure which one will work best depending on your browser, feel free to share the youtube version)
WOKE UP IN RIO CINNAMON ROLLS
Strangely enough, I did not keep photos of the bakes I did at home for that particular challenge. I made the recipe three times, trying to get the banana flavor to be more and more prominent. I was reasonably happy with the way they turned out, but Paul did not care for the fresh slice of banana as decoration on top. I had to smile a bit inside, because I actually got that idea from Sherry Yard’s cookbook, Desserts by the Yard… Go figure. You win some, you lose some. And you butcher some with enough drama to last you a lifetime of regret.
Believe it or not, I can do a pretty decent looking Linzer-type cookie. These were made back in March, I never blogged about them but will do so in the near future.
My recipe was a little different but the principle is the same. If you watched my video I think it explains (or tries to) how things degenerated so quickly. Bad decisions, forgetfulness, like not rolling the dough on a floured parchment paper. By the time I realized my mistakes and their dreadful consequences, it was too late to do anything about it. I knew I was in serious, serious trouble. No one can imagine what I was feeling when the technical judgment started. I wanted to be as far away as possible from that tent. I wanted to be able to say, sorry folks, it turns out I am not tent-worthy, I will show myself out, thank you.
That’s what I hoped it would look like, with actually a few more components around it, but as we all know, it was not meant to be. I tweaked the recipe for the gingerbread component in the hotel, but could not have the modifications with me in writing, which posed a bit of a problem at showtime. But the worst was the Royal icing “glue”, I did not practice that in the hotel because it was such a small kitchen, but thinking back I should have. The icing sugar from the UK did not behave the same way ours does, at least not in my recipe. Paul told me I should have used caramel to glue the pieces, because it works fast and is absolutely solid. I tried that in my gingerbread coffin that I made for Halloween last month and indeed it works like a charm. I had seen recipes using it while preparing for the show, but was unsure of being able to keep the caramel hot during the whole assembling time. And I was also afraid I would get burned with hot caramel in front of the cameras. I did not get burned literally. But went down in flames in the figurative sense. If ABC Network wanted drama, they got it. From now on, when I refer to myself as Drama Queen, I will have a very solid background to justify it.
So that was that, my friends. Every cell of my body wanted to stay in the tent longer. I enjoyed the experience so much, much more than I imagined, even though it was very stressful. I loved the crew, the support people who never show in front of the cameras but are there full time, bringing you a couple more eggs, taking away that dirty bowl and magically bringing you a spotless clean version to work with. They pay attention to every single detail, if you look around your work bench seeming a bit lost, one of those angels will be right there “do you need anything, Sally?” Yes, I need a mulligan. Can you get one for me? Pretty please? I will bake you a macaron!
I loved the cameramen, who made us feel like movie stars even when we suspected there was flour on our eyebrows and ganache splashed all over our apron. They are amazing, they work long hours with a heavy camera on their shoulders (trust me, I held one), and a permanent smile coupled with constant words of encouragement. I feel lucky that I got to witness it all. Not for as long as I hoped, but I at least for a little while.
I will never forget the vibe in the tent when I was eliminated, and the hugs that were clearly trying to soothe my soul. I don’t know how I managed not to break down in a puddle of tears, when inside I was badly hurting. I am gone from the tent, but not gone from the adventure. I will be back for the final party, and until then I will share in the blog the bakes I hoped I could have offered to Paul, Sherry, Spice and Baby Spice. The bakes I hoped I could have shared with you on TV.
Keep watching, my baking buddies have awesome stuff waiting for you! And I will be here writing about what comes ahead, from the perspective of a friend cheering for her buddies.
I am so very sorry I disappointed you.
ONE YEAR AGO: Pork Tenderloin Roulade with Pumpkin and Pecans
TWO YEARS AGO: White-Chocolate Peppermint Macarons
THREE YEARS AGO: Shrubs, a fun alternative to alcoholic drinks
FOUR YEARS AGO: Date Truffles
FIVE YEARS AGO: Mascarpone Mousse from Baking Chez Moi
SIX YEARS AGO: Pumpkin Brigadeiros
SEVEN YEARS AGO: Pumpkin Espresso Loaf
EIGHT YEARS AGO: Caramelized Carrot Soup
NINE YEARS AGO: Miso-Grilled Shrimp
TEN YEARS AGO: A Special Holiday Fruitcake